We won't sleep together?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
