I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
