I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Two words: nipple clamps
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