i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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