My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
