Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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