i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Four minutes until I can fart!
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
