my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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