i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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