a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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