dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
