How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize