I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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