Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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