I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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