Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
