You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
