i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
