I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
