I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
