I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
