my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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