Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
