you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
