Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
