Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
