I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
