I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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