if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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