They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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