Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
COCAINE IS GR8
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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