So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
