I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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