If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
