Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
