Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
