Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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