8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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