I think scott just propositioned me for sex
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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