I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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