worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
