He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
