I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
