I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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