Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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