marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
