I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
