wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
