We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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