you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
