i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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